Shhhh...self love through quieting the inner critic.

Quieting our inner critic is important for self love and regulating our nervous system, keeping it healthy and resilient. Think about it, it's hard to relax when someone (boss, partner, parent, coach) is judging and criticizing you. The same is true about that voice inside. If it goes unchecked for too long, it results in a dysregulated nervous system, muscle tension, imposter syndrome and low self esteem. It helps keep unresolved trauma and the chronic stress response stored in your body. That is not compatible with a peaceful life.

In addition to any criticism or examples of such that we received from others, we are conditioned by a consumer society which thrives off of selling that we are not enough. Not rich enough, thin enough, pretty enough, tough enough, smart enough and the list goes on. On top of that, the human brain has a negativity bias which tends to skew our thinking for the worse; creating stories in our mind that may or may not be true. This is from an old survival mechanism, stemming from the fear region of our brain, designed to keep us safe. It came in handy to not draw attention to ourselves while hunting for our food, but is less helpful now when it tries to keep us quiet and small. Remember, our biology informs our thoughts, so when we are stressed, we tend to think negatively unless we become aware of this default mode and make the effort to course correct, which is totally doable!

Before diving into some strategies, let's first acknowledge that this inner critic voice is a totally normal part of the human condition and is nothing to be afraid of. Even the most successful athletes and CEOs have inner critics. Ironically, its actual purpose is to protect us from harm! While I don’t think it is possible to completely turn off the inner critic, we CAN learn to decrease the volume and frequency in which it shows up and remove the power it holds in our lives. As we build our self love, we can learn to laugh at the things it says, brush it off more easily, and not let it keep us from living as our authentic selves. It doesn’t have to hold us back from going after what we want in life. (The same goes for the real life critic that may be in our lives too).

The first step in changing anything is bringing our awareness to it. The inner critic tends to run in the background of our mind and we may not even notice it , much less question it. However, our subconscious and our physiology definitely notice it and we feel the effects. That is why it’s so important to become aware of when we are being critical of ourselves.

Practice self-compassion. We tend to be much harder on ourselves than we would ever be on someone else. When we notice the inner critic's voice, we can pause and consciously think about what we would say to a good friend in that same situation then say something similar to ourselves. It’s easy to show empathy and compassion for those we love. With awareness and practice, we can learn to do the same for ourselves.

One of the best ways I know to start the process of quieting our inner critic is to befriend it. That may sound counter-intuitive but if you’ve never done this work before, I promise that befriending it is better than yelling at it to “Shut the f&%k up!”. Ask me how I know. 🙂 Though there may actually be a time and place for that type of response, the phrase, “what we resist persists” is true of the inner critic. So ignoring it or yelling at it, usually doesn’t work in the beginning. It’s best to first start to get to know your inner critic- when it shows up, what it says, etc. Try not to judge it or necessarily even understand it at this point but just gather information and look for any patterns that may arise.

It can also be helpful to visualize (or sense) how your inner critic looks and even give it a name. Is it human-like? A shape or color? Externalizing it can help give you some distance from it, see it for what it is and minimize its power.

There are many ways to quiet the inner critic. I suggest trying different strategies to see what works best for you & know that the best tactic for you may change over time. (including yelling at it to STFU!) Ha!

Your mission this week, should you choose to accept it is:

• Continue responding to your basic biological needs as quickly and lovingly as possible.

• Begin to notice when you hear your inner critic. Notice if there is a common theme or place where your inner critic shows up. Is it more or less often than you thought? Does it remind you of anyone?

If you want to take this a step further…

• To bring in the somatic work, instead of thinking about it, you can just pay attention to any sensations that may arise in your body in response to the inner critic. Do you feel sensations of heat, tightness or something else? Were the sensations there before you noticed the inner critic? Do the sensations move around when you pay attention to them or are they static? Do you have an urge to move? (if so follow that!) Notice how the sensations arise and then dissipate, just like emotions. Please note that if your nervous system is more in a shut down state, you may not feel anything and that is ok. That was my experience at the beginning of this work. Just honor where you are on your journey and know that you can heal.

• When you are feeling relatively relaxed, grab your journal and ask your inner critic why they are criticizing you or what they are afraid of. Then listen and write. Some of the things may not make sense and that’s ok. You don’t have to understand it all right away. You are acknowledging it, giving it a say, so it will start to quiet down.

If the sensations or feelings ever become overwhelming at any point, simply stop the exercise and do something that lifts you up-play a song & dance, listen to a podcast, watch a funny show, go for a walk or call a friend. You can always come back to this work at a later time. It is meant to be done in small doses. If we have trauma or accumulated stress in our history, it is imperative that we take it slow and go at a pace that is right for us.

I hope you found this article helpful! I would love to hear from you about any thoughts or experiences you have with this.

WIth much love, Michelle