The advice to “just take a deep breath” should come with a disclaimer.

While reading a great article written by a PhD clinical psychologist about ADHD/trauma and somatic therapy, I came to a section that was going to list 5 “coping mechanisms” and as I scrolled, I found myself thinking “please don’t say deep breathing” and sure enough, the first thing on the list was to take a deep breath. Other than that, the article was full of good information. Let me explain why I advocate for the disclaimer. For some people, at some times, deep breathing is great, however, it can be counterproductive for some who are acutely stressed and/or have trauma or excessive stored stress held in our bodies. The advice to “take a deep breath” is only part of the equation; it focuses on the forced inhalation which is associated with the sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight/freeze/fawn). Because of this, it’s not always a good idea or very effective to “just take a deep breath” to calm down. Conversely, the exhale portion of the breath activates the parasympathetic nervous system (rest/digest/feed/breed) which can help us to feel calmer and less stressed.

Now a quick disclaimer to my disclaimer-ha! According to the polyvagal theory by Dr. Stephen Porges, the lower portion of the parasympathetic nervous system branch is associated with the “shut down” state which is something we want to avoid. So if you are someone who is less in a fight/flight state, and is more in a numb, dissociated or “checked out” state, you actually don’t want to activate that branch excessively. If this is the case for you, I recommend you first focus on the education portion of trauma healing, building support and resources and consider working with a trauma professional to bring yourself gently and safely out of a “shut down” state.

So if you’re feeling stressed out or panicky, instead of making yourself take a deep breath which starts with a big inhale, try this instead:

• Notice your breath. The best place to start is actually to just notice your breath without changing it. Paying attention to the natural rhythm of our breath allows us to connect with ourselves and our internal state, a necessary part of healing from trauma. And while it can be done on a meditation cushion in silence, it’s not necessary to do so to benefit from it. It can literally be done at any time, anywhere, as long as we remember to do it. To help create the habit, pair this somatic practice with an activity you already do each day. For example, you can place a sticky note in your car and every time you fasten or unfasten your seatbelt, spend a few seconds just observing your breath. Or put a sticky note anywhere you’d normally go during the course of your day, (by your coffee pot, bathroom sink, etc.) that can act as a prompt to remind you to notice your breath and regulate your nervous system.

• Extend your exhale. Take a normal, natural inhale but during the exhale portion, extend the breath a couple seconds past when you would naturally stop. Continue this for several breath cycles, as long as it is comfortable. Be mindful of any sensations that may arise as you do this. As mentioned above, the exhalation phase of the breath cycle stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system which includes the calming branch of the nervous system.

• Slow your breathing. Slowing down your breath can also activate our parasympathetic nervous system. When we are experiencing a stressful situation, even if it is not life-threatening, our sympathetic nervous system kicks in and our heart rate and breathing rate naturally increase. When we deliberately slow our breathing, we contradict this process and send calming signals from our body to our brain, which helps us relax. Slowing our breathing lets us know we do not need to be in a state of threat.

During the exercises above, you may have noticed a spontaneous deep breath or sigh arise. That is a sign that your nervous system is downshifting to regulate. You may notice you feel more relaxed after those sighs. The key here is that it is spontaneous and not a forced deep breath. That makes all the difference. By practicing some of the above suggestions, we can increase our self awareness, release extra muscle tension that may be contributing to pain and headaches and help our digestion come back on line. We begin to reverse the stress response in our body and mind so that we can heal and live more fully.

Some playful ways to incorporate this into your day is humming, singing your favorite song or even blowing bubbles. These are great ways to work with the breath and the vagus nerve to stimulate your parasympathetic system. So the next time your kiddo is blowing bubbles into their drink through a straw, instead of thinking of the mess they're making, think about joining them!